how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
