I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
