My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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