There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
