Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
