Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
