What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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