We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
