I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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