Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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