I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
