the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
