Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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