I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
