I wannas sexs uuuuu
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
