This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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