Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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