Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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