it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
