In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
