you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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