if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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