we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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