NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
