Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
