did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
