So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
