I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Semen is not good for contacts.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
