She is in my trunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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