seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
