Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
