The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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