I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
