he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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