Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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