I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
