$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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