Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
