Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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