My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
