Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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