I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
