I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
