my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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