oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
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She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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