Where did you get a picture of my penis
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
