Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
