i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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