god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
