He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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