No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
