Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
