On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Bring me that man meat
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
