I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
