I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
