we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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