I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
