I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
